Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.
Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.
A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.
Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
Disobey n:To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
I keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments unsoured by animosities.
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
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