I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
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